Manssentials #7: Keeping Your Word

While the days of knights going out and fighting in hand-to-hand combat are long gone, women still say that they want their "knight in shining armor."

First, let's break down the analogy a bit. The term knight brings to mind certain words: noble, chilvarlous, gentleman, gallant. To be a knight, one had to be born a noble, and then go through the process of being a squire, or knight's apprentice, to prove themselves worthy of being a knight. While all knights wore armor, the attention to detail to make it shine would help the knight to stand out to the ladies.

One way to bring those knightly qualities out today, is by doing something that, in theory, is simple. It doesn't seem hard to say that you are going to do something and actually do it. Why, then, does is to be such a rare trait these days?

In my opinion, a lot of guys just say they will do something to get whoever is asking to leave them alone. They don't really care about the task, they just want to get back to whatever they are doing, and be left in peace. What happens when the task isn't done, though? An argument will undoubtedly arise, with never leads to anything good. Making a promise and breaking it only leads to heart ache for those that you let down. If you don't care that you're letting that person, or group of people down, I think it's pretty obvious that you don't actually care about them.

If you want your word to actually have value, stick to it. When you say you're going to do something, in your mind, you have to make it a fact--treat as something that is going to happen, not something that might happen. If you're girlfriend asks you to stop by the store to pick something up, it should be firm in your mind that you're stopping by the store. It's not an "if I have time" thing. Write in your calendar, or whatever you have to do. Just make sure it gets done.

In some cases, someone will ask you to do something that you simply can't. There's nothing wrong with that, granted that you really can't do it and you aren't just blowing them off. Saying you can't do something will hurt much less in the long run than saying you can do something and not being able to. Just make sure that there is no way you can get it done before saying you can't. Keep it a "can't" and not a "don't want to."

Certain things happen that are beyond your control. If you said you were going to stop by the store, but your boss calls a mandatory meeting, it's more important to attend the meeting and keep your job. Since everyone has a cell phone, and most people have smart phones now, there's no reason why you can't send a text, e-mail, or call to explain what happened. It's also a good idea to come up with an alternate plan when sending the update. Instead of, "hey, the boss called a surprise meeting, I can't stop by the store," try, "hey, a meeting just came up at work and I won't have time to stop by the store tonight, I'll stop tomorrow morning."

Whatever the case or scenario, don't ever just blow something off. There's no reason for it and you only make yourself look bad. Anyone you meet will have a lot more respect for you if they know you can be counted on. It's really not that hard of a thing to do. Sure, you may need to practice at it a little bit--after all, all of us struggle with one thing or another--but before long, it will be second nature. You say something, you do it. Simple as that. Before long, women will be referring to you as the knight in shining armor.

Manssentials #6: Being the Rock

I know, I know...gender roles are constantly evolving and changing. There are several households that the woman is the one who goes to work and brings home the money, while the man stays at home to raise the kids. There's nothing wrong with that, and I'm not trying to get into a discussion about the roles of each gender in every relationship. However, I feel that there is one trait that should be common to the men: being the rock solid force in the relationship.

Many women want a man that they can count on, and that they know will be there for them. When a crisis arises, the man should be able to be counted on. He's the one everyone will look to for direction, guidance, and support. For example, when there is a death in the family, the man must delay his grief while he prepares the necessary arrangements. It all goes back to the age old saying: women and children first.

While men no longer go out in the field, or to factories, and perform physical labor like in the past, but they still are that strong example. In my own life, I've seen my dad work 50-60 hour weeks for years. I know he has made personal sacrifices for the rest of the family. As I've recently started my own job (but don't worry, I write these pieces at night, not at work), it's nice to have an example of how to carry myself so close.

I feel fortunate to have such a good example to look to for being the rock in my own relationships, and I hope you do, too.

Manssentials #5: Taking Your Hat Off

Men used to wear hats for practical purposes: protecting your head from the elements, shading sun from your eyes and face, and to look just a bit more dapper. Tipping your cap was a way of saying hello. Today, hats are a fashion accessory--unless you're a farmer, rancher, etc., or are required to wear a top hat for a black tie party. Of course, men also used to remove their hats any time that they went inside at all. Now, it's rare that a hat will come off the man's head until he is ready to shower. While taking your hat off any time you are indoors may be way out of date, there are still some times that you should show some manners in regard to taking off your hat.

1. When Eating
Growing up, I used to hate that my mom would make me take my hat off at dinner, and out at restaurants. Now, I'm glad she did, and I understand why. I'm not saying that a place like McDonald's or Burger King requires this, but if you'll be eating a meal and being served, take off your hat. Also, any time you are eating in another person's home, or are having guests over at your home, take it off. If you're worried about having hat hair, odds are you will know that you're about to eat at a nice place, so why even wear a hat out? Plus, no one will think less of you for having hat hair at dinner. There are, however, some people out there who will think less of you for wearing a hat at dinner.

2. During Prayer
Even if you aren't religious yourself, it is the proper custom to remove your hat for prayer. A true gentleman would never want to intentionally offend anyone so follow the customs and take it off. Also note that some churches require you taking off your hat upon entering, even if you're just visiting. When in doubt, take it off. Sorry, I can't think of a clever rhyme there.

3. National Anthem/Pledge of Allegiance
Most likely, you will hear those most often at a sporting event. And, most fans do wear hats to the games to support their team. However, even when the P.A. announcer says, "please rise and remove your caps," not everyone does. Show some respect for your country, you do live in the best one in the world after all, and take off your hat.

4. When Everyone Else Does
I'm not really a fan of doing just because everyone else is doing, but there are certain times that it is necessary. There may be a custom that you're not familiar with, but it's important to try to follow them as best you can. If you notice that other gentlemen are taking off their hats, too, it's probably a good idea to follow their lead and takes yours off as well.

Manssentials #4: Holding the Door

"I may sound old-fashioned, but I want to think all women should be treated like I want my wife, daughters, and granddaughters to be treated. I notice today that good manners—like standing up when a woman enters the room, helping a woman with her coat, letting her enter an elevator first, taking her arm to cross the street—are sometimes considered unnecessary or a throwback. These are habits I could never break, nor would I want to. I realize today a lot more women are taking care of themselves than in the past, but no woman is offended by politeness." -Frank Sinatra

One easy way to be chivalrous, with seemingly no effort, is to hold the door open for a lady. Actually, not even just for a lady. It's common courtesy to hold the door open for anyone. Holding a door open doesn't should appear like a natural act; not something you're trying extra hard to do. I like to use what I can the 10 foot rule: if the person is more than 10 feet behind me, they should be capable of opening the door themselves. The exception to this rule is if their hands are full, or if it's a door that locks, and you know the person belongs on the other side of the door, you can save them the trouble of digging for their keys.

Most situations to open a door are pretty straight-forward. I'll focus on a few of the gray areas. For a more in-depth look at holding doors open, check out The Art of Manliness.

1. The Vestibule
This can be a little tricky because there are two sets of doors. The proper thing to do is to open the first door you come to for your lady. She will step in, and obviously, beat you to the second door. As she starts to open it, take it from her and open it further for her.

As with all door situations, don't rush past her to get to the door first. If she beats you to the door, that's fine, just politely take it from her like in the vestibule. I like to position myself on the side of the door as we start to approach it from 10-15 feet away, and then take a quick half step towards it to start reaching for it and ushering her in. Just make it look natural.

2. The Door That Swings In
The proper thing to do here, is to open the door for yourself, step in, hold the door for her, and assist her through the threshold.

3. Car Doors
If you walk past her door on the way to yours, open it for her. You should also offer your arm to help her get in, especially if you car is really low to the ground, or high off the ground, as these are extra tricky to get in and out of with a dress and/or heels on. If her door is on the opposite side that you have to be on, going around and opening it just wastes time and could start to annoy her. However, if she asks for assistance, kindly oblige. When shutting her door, make sure all of her body parts, and clothes, are safely inside the vehicle first.

In almost all scenarios, any effort, even the wrong one, is usually appreciated more than no effort. Also, always be sure to add a nice, "thank you" if someone opens or holds the door for you. If some one thanks you, the proper response is "you're welcome."

Manssentials #3: Monogamy

One of my favorite TV shows ever is CBS's How I Met Your Mother. The storyline of the show is Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, is telling his kids about how he met their mother, which is happening in the current day. While sitcom revolves a lot around Ted's dating life, one theme is always the same: he's a good guy.

I'm sure the female readers will particularly agree with me that they can't seem to find many good guys to date anymore. Many guys say that they're different, but how many times is that really true? Guys just seem to crave the attention of other girls, leaving their partners, or potential partners, feeling insecure, and not good enough.

Guys, while the thrill of the chase is certainly exhilarating and fun, what about the thrill of a growing relationship with someone? Sure, it may be fun, and temporarily make you feel good about yourself, to be flirtatious with a different girl every once in a while, but at the end of the day, what does it all mean? If it's not with the right, same girl, it means nothing.

Being a player, dating and sleeping around, may impress your buddy's, but even that is short-lived. After high school, or maybe even a year or two into college, it's time to grow up. If you want to be in a relationship, commit to it. If you don't want to be in one, that's fine, but any girl that you try to woo should be aware of that going in. A girl shouldn't have to wonder where she stands with you. Especially if she's your girlfriend. If it's a text message, a phone call, Facebook post, etc., that you wouldn't want her to read while you're typing it, or reading what another girl has said to you, it's time to make a change.

If I may quote Wilson from Home Improvement, "a great lover doesn't romance a different woman every night; a great lover romances the same woman every night." I'm not sure who he was quoting, but that Wilson was one wise neighbor.

The important thing is to make an honest, genuine effort in any relationship. Like we learned in Couples Retreat, you don't want to end up at Applebee's alone.

Manssentials #2: The Handshake

The handshake is an important part of the formal greeting. In the professional world, chances are you will shake hands with up to 90% of the people you meet. Maybe more, maybe less. I'm just guessing. But I know it's a lot. It's important to have a good one. Below are five guidelines for having a proper handshake that will make a lasting, positive, impression with the person you're shaking hands with.

#1. The Grip: Your grip should be firm, your counterpart should know that they're shaking hands with someone. However, you're not trying to break their hand, either. It's possible to be firm without a death grip. No one should be in pain after a handshake. It is also important to keep your wrist firm, not limp. Show confidence in yourself by being firm. When shaking hands with a woman, you should loosen your grip accordingly, but keep your wrist locked.

#2. Eye Contact: When shaking hands, it's important to look the other person in the eye. Looking away makes you appear uninterested, looking down makes you appear timid, and looking up makes you look weird or crazy. Looking the other person in the eye shows respect and also confidence in yourself.

#3. Speaking: Speak up, and speak firm. No handshake is complete without some sort of verbal acknowledgement. "Nice to meet you," "Glad to be hear," "Pleasure doing business with you," or "See you later," are all appropriate responses when shaking hands, depending on the situation. Be sure to enunciate, but as the old mantra goes, "say it, don't spray it."

#4. Grooming: When you shake hands with someone, they will look at your hand. Following that, they will judge you based on the condition of your hand. I'm not saying to get a manicure (actually, I'm saying if you're a man, DON'T get a manicure), but its important to have a clean hand. Nails should be clean and trimmed, and your hands should've been washed sometime fairly recently.

#5. Posture: People have been teaching us proper posture since grade school. The lessons should continue for the handshake, which is really a gesture of the entire body. Don't be hunchbacked or slouched when shaking hands. It's important to make your presence known. Having hunched shoulders will make you appear timid, weak, or small. Stand strong, stand proud.

Manssentials #1: Manners--Please and Thank You

Continuing from the post yesterday about lack of real men in today's society, I am writing my first article on manssentials. I also want to clarify something from yesterday's post: I was not trying to say that a woman's place in society is the kitchen and laundry room. I believe that women can, and should, have a successful career and the men in their lives should be supportive of it. I was simply trying to illustrate the point that today, women are the primary care-givers to children growing up. Obviously, this isn't always the case, as my uncle stays at home with the kids and his wife works. I was just speaking generally.

On to this post: manners. It seems that many people today, especially men, lack them. After all, what do the first three letters of manners spell? M-A-N. Starting off, let's address the issue of "please" and "thank you." It used to be that others would notice if you didn't use those two phrases. Now, everyone notices if you do. It's not hard to add a "please" after you order food, or a "thank you" when it arrives. Same thing if someone holds a door for you. You should always say "thank you." The other day, Allison and I were leaving Bed, Bath, & Beyond. I held the door for her, which she took, and held open for the guy behind her. He quickly walked out, turned the corner and didn't say a word. The issue of opening and holding doors will be more thoroughly addressed in a later post.

I've also noticed that people seem to really lack manners at restaurants. Yes, the wait staff's job is to serve you your food and drink, but they are not slaves or servants for your personal use. My mom used to always say that you can tell a lot about a person's character based on how they treat their servers, and she's right. It shows how they treat a complete stranger that they don't really have to be nice to--but there is always that fear that if you're too rude they will spit in your food. It's important to keep in mind that servers are real people with real lives. They have bad days, just like the rest of us. Guess what? They also make mistakes. They might mess something up with your order, or your drink might be empty for a minute or two before they have a chance to refill it. If they make a mistake, and they sincerely apologize, accept the apology. One mistake, with an appropriate acknowledgement and apology, shouldn't cut into his or her tip. Also, when eating out, remember that the appropriate amount for good service is 20%.

It's not hard to add a simple "please" and "thank you" to everyday speech. Sure, it may take some practice at first, but before long it will be habit enough that you won't even think about using them anymore. It will just happen. Also remember, "thanks," is not the same as "thank you."